there's a saying " ask, Then you'll get what you ask for"

but I don't think that kind of saying applies to me.
I ask, but I get nothing
I pray, but the prayers get no reply nor answered
and I wonder why
am I really worth living ?

everyone get at least their way opened up but why mine doesn't ?

I keep on feeling this disgusted feeling being rejected, as a failure. nothing goes right for me.
and I wonder,
am I really being loved, God ? Is this really the right thing for me ?
because i don't feel like it is. 

If You Would

please kindly follow my second instagram acc @SPACECHOREOGRAPHER

Am I In Love

I'm sinking faster and faster

Between heaven and disaster

Sorry for making you feel like I'm standing on the borderline

Am I in love with you...?

Or am I in love with the feeling?

Trying to find the truth

Sometimes the heart is deceiving

Can't get out of my head, I need you to save me

If I ever lose you, know that maybe I'm crazy

In love with you, am I in love with you?

Or am I in love with the feeling?

so you can keep me 

inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

holding me closer till our eyes meet

you wont ever be alone

and if you hurt me

that's okay baby only words bleed

inside these pages you just hold me

and i wont ever let you go

you can fit me

inside the necklace you got when you're 16

next to your heartbeat where I should be

keep it deep within your soul

WKWKWK

HAE GAES

gila ya post gua bawah bawah berat banget kaya semacem over depressed gitu. 

iya sih emg lagi sedih, but I'm not in the mood to kill myself over few silly things that succeed turn over my happiness into calamity. 

keliatannya kaya mau bundir gitu kata-katanya.

nope. im still feeling as good to continue being a potato.

kalo ada yang penasaran gimana college life 

ya bisa dibilang happy" aja, temennya baik" and not going to tell lies, seru", walopun gua merasa banyak dari mereka yang wearing mask. everyday. every hour every minute and every second. lama-lama gua jadi lebih ngerti dunia industri sedikit-sedikit, tentang pressure nya dan gua sedikit banyak udah dapet banyak gambaran.

anyway, gua tambah gendut. ya. kerjaan gua selain pergi makan, ato numpang tidur di kosan temen, bikin berat gua tambah. lebih begonya lagi, gua malah jadi suka gadoin butter kalo pas kelas kicthen ato pastry. 

oiya,  walopun gua merasa agak sedikit ga nyaman sama beberapa hal, misalnya kelompok table masak dll, tapi gua lebih bisa endure walau kadang kelepasan gua bete trus keliatan di muka gitu, ( im not an expert in hiding emotions ) tapi kebanyakan dari mereka care, dan gua bersyukur untuk itu, really. I'm Blessed.

setidaknya ada 4-5 orang yang bener-bener gua cherished so much. feels like we've known like forever,

gua juga jadi salah satu anggota organisasi ukm di kuliahan, yang berhubungan dengan bartending, dan ya...its going better than the first time I'm in. some thing changes of course, tapi mungkin thats the price.

belom lama ini gua juga ikut english debate competition, sebagai peserta dari kampus di kampus mercu buana, ngelawan kampus-kampus lingkungan kopertis 3 such as binus inter,atma,untar,UI dll.exciting sih tapi ya bener-bener bikin worry, pertama kalinya gua harus debate diliatin orang-orang gitu and its a strange feeling you got there. nervous sama lebih ga percaya diri. karena kebanyakan pesertanya juga uda lebih pengalaman. anyway ga jelek' banget lah hasilnya as a beginner we got 12th place dari 48 university. I'm glad.

hmm sebenernya banyak yang mau gua ceritain dan ga akan abis satu post kalo gua ceritain satu-satu. my precious memory and experiences that i got so far. tapi kayaknya untuk hari ini cukup ini aja. lain waktu I'm definitely going to post another story

I'm more than you think

Her wings Once So White.

She was once so light.

She made the sky shine.

She met a strange guy and fell in love.

He made her believe lies to steal her light.

Now she sits alone in the dark.

Tears fill her eyes.

She sits alone crying as sorrow consumes her.

Her wings now dark.

She is now so grey.

She no longer has her light.

The sky around her is slowly falling.

For now she is a Fallen Angel.... That weeps of a broken heart

They call me fallen,
My wings are all I have left of me now.

wings torn for making a forbidden choice,

but truly, they are-

ethereal wisps

fading like the morning fog.

Bitter laughter stains my lips-

human life is so much better

because they take comfort in the

fleeting illusions of rights and wrongs

and judging the sides of the coin

My halo,now bent

Is lieing on the heavenly ground.

My heavenly dress,

Is covered in blood.

my eyes  are as dark as night.

As i begin to frown,

I cant help,but wonder

how my peaceful life,

was turned upside down.

I'm more fragile than you think

I'm more unstable than you think

I've lived a heavy life more than you think

I'm broken, more severe than you think I am.

I Loved Him

I loved how his eyes danced merrily,

and the gentle way he spoke;

the way he filled my aimless days,

with bitterness and hope.

I loved him as I fell to sleep, 

and each morning I woke;

I loved him with all my wayward heart-

until the day it broke.

Letting Go

There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you love something greater than yourself.
A tender sacrifice.

Like that pained silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina.
It is in every considered step I am taking in the opposite direction of you. 

A Time Capsule

This is where

                                                                                  I began to care                                                                                                                                         When I was befriended;                                           

This is where
                            My soul was bared
                                                  Where are my rules were bended;

This is where
                              A moment we shared
                                    Was stolen and expended;

Now this is where
              This is where
                                   This is where we've ended




                                                    - Lang Leav

High Hopes

Hopes gua tahun ini sebenernya banyak, banget, dibanding tahun lalu
tapi ya namanya orang, ga boleh terlalu punya high expectations,
walopun sbnernya dalem hati ada sih sedikit banyak macemmacem expect ini itu

pas lagi nulis ini gua sambil dengerin lagu - all i need is your love nya DEORRO. ga ngerti lagi, hacep banget

well, kali ini gua lagi dalam state yang setengah harap-harap tapi ga mau punya banyak ekspetasi karena dari pengalaman yang gua punya, kebanyakan sih mengecewakan.

harapan gua ke satu orang ini, semoga tahun ini ga cuma legenda aja, karena ya, seengganya kalo harapan gua yang lain ga terjadi, cuma satu iiniiii aja, gua berharap banget.
istilahnya ya, " Please God, just this once"
yep.

dan gua juga berharap tahun 2015 bisa berjalan smooth, semua hal yang gua handle sekarang gua berharap juga bisa jalan sesuari rencana, ya ga muluk2 deh, asal berakhir bagus aja, at least bisa diterima orang-orang.

semoga bisa lebih baik. Amin.

Akhirnya kuliah

Diitung dari pertama kali gua punya blog, hmmm kira2 uda brp taun umur ini blog diitung dari smp kls 1? , bukannya gua lupa, cuma ga jago ngitung aja.

Di 2015, momen gua mau masuk di semester 2 perkuliahan, akhirnya gua sadar, gua sama mat emang ga boleh ketemu. Ngelantur. 

Well, apa kabar gays ? :') fyi, gua skrg kuliah di Trisakti, hospitality management major, di bintaro, saat ini lagi berusaha fokus memperdalam ilmu bartender. 

Temen2 gua ? Berpencar semua.

Apalagi temen smp, batang idung aja gua uda ga pernah liat. Ya, time flies so fast. 

Di Trisakti gua banyak ketemu senior baru yang yaaa asik, bukan klise kok ini serius, temen2nya juga ga se-judes yang gua kira gua bakal susah nyari temen baru. 

Emang belom sedeket temen smp sma sih, tapi mereka asik. 

Gua banyak belajar, kalo temen pasti nambah, selama kita ga lupa sama yang lama aja.

Gua kangen temen lama, tapi ya life must go on, bukan berarti dengan gua kangen temen lama, gua clinging terus ke mereka, karena pasti mereka juga punya kesibukan sendiri, punya kehidupan kepentingan sendiri sekarang. Everything has changed. 

Gua berharap kita semua bisa sukses aja. 

Klise, tapi semoga mereka ga lupa gua hahaha 

Goodluck juga buat yang disana! ;') 

High School Love On

 Judulnya "High School", bikin sedih, jadi keinget masa SMA kemaren yang baru aja selesai :(

kisah cinta SMA gua ?

gak.gak. ckck

ini bukan kisah gua, ini drama baru. gua lagi membandingkan aja, jauh banget dibandingin cerita the heirs kan kompleks banget tuh.

ini ceritanya lebih simple

walaopun ya, agak sedikit twisted sih, tapi yang ini lebih cute.

High School Love On

Plotnya tentang malaikat kecil, ya ga kecil-kecil amat, namanya Yi Seul Bi. dia ini bisa dibilang malaikat yang nganter jiwa orang mati ke surga gitulah intinya. Pokoknya suatu saat, Shin Woo Hyun (Nam Woo Hyun, Infinite) yang waktu mau nyegah temen sekelasnya lompat dari gedung sekolah, ga sengaja justru malah dia yang jatoh, nah, disitu dia ga sengaja di selamatin sama Seul Bi yang harusnya ngambil nyawa Woo Hyun. well, akhirnya sampe Seul Bi dapet cara supaya dia bisa pulang, sementara dia tinggal di rumah Woo Hyun & neneknya sampe dimasukin ke sekolah then, the story begins...

bedanya sama the heirs ? aktris Seul bi di peranin sama Kim Sae Ron, umurnya baru 14thn, kalo Park Shin Hye udah kepala 2 lewat, if you know what I mean.

that's what makes the film cute,sweet imutimut lah

                                                            can be seen the difference.

tapi ya, apart from that, duadua nya sama-sama bagus, worthy to be watched.

ngomong2 jadi pengen post scene cute2nya, xc

Best Friend - Jason Chen

Do you remember when I said I'd always be there.

Ever since we were ten, baby.

When we were out on the playground playing pretend.

I didn't know it back then.

Now I realize you were the only one

It's never too late to show it.

Grow old together,

Have feelings we had before

Back when we were so innocent

I pray for all your love

Girl our love is so unreal

I just wanna reach and touch you, squeeze you, somebody pinch me

This is something like a movie

And I dont know how it ends girl

But I fell in love with my Best Friend

Through all the dudes that came by

And all the nights that you'd cry.

Girl I was there right by your side.

How could I tell you I loved you

When you were so happy

With some other guy?

Now I realize you were the only one

It's never too late to show it.

Grow old together,

Have feelings we had before

When we were so innocent.

I know it sounds crazy

That you'd be my baby.

Girl you mean that much to me.

And nothing compares when

We're lighter than air and

We don't wanna come back down.

And I don't wanna ruin what we have

Love is so unpredictable.
But it's the risk that I'm taking, hoping, praying

You'd fall in love with your best friend

I remember when I said I'd always be there

Ever since we were ten baby.

Loving him was red

                         

   Not everyone can understand how's the feeling to stand firm watching the one that you like, like someone else.

In my case, I don't even started to get close to him and yet everything turns into a mess. Maybe I was being too melancholic but I just can't hold my tears.  And I think at least one person can understand how does it feels to like someone that not even look at yourself properly. 

   I'm writing this post wishing that you would choose me. But I know now it's hopeless, that's why once again I'm running away. I'm wishing for your happines with her and I meant it. 

Ps : here's some words to a person that's such a four leaf clover to me, I'm counting on you, please make him happy and make him yours already so that way I can backoff without worries

                       

     

Jadi Apa ?

Judulnya agak nyolot.

 SO WHAT ?

hhahahahaha, garing.

oke gua disini bukan mau ngelucu

kondisinya sekarang gua lagi terjebak dalam status pengangguran, kenapa ?

gua baru aja selesaiin UN tingkat SMA, gua bukan lagi pelajar, dan gua juga udah legal, yap. 17 taun.

tapi gua ga kerja juga, dirumah, bengong, tidur, makan, nonton, maen, tidur lagi makan lagi.

cuma itu keseharian gua sekarang.

sekarang gua tau rasanya jadi pengangguran itu miserable.

sempet kepikiran pengen part time.

 tapi, 

misalnya nih ya lu part time di salah satu mall tempat makanan cepat saji, tiba2 sodara lu ato kenalan lu ato bahkan lebih parah lagi mantan gebetan lu pas sd ato tk ngeliat lu lagi nyuci piring ato nganterin nampan makanan ato jadi kasir,

dengan tampang gua yang sekarang, bisa dibilang puberty ga bantu gua sama sekali, maka gua tidak akan diragukan bakalan jadi priceless, yeah, PRICELESS.

jadi gua mikir 2 kali.

mungkin gua emang tidak diciptakan buat produksi sesuatu. bisa aja kan ternyata talenta gua itu me-manage. contoh : manager hotel, manager restaurant, manager pabrik sabun.

jadi kerjaan jadi kuli bangunan dan tukang masak ataupun tukang sabun ga cocok buat gua, well, i'm lazy.

dan untung gua males. 

gua mulai rada bingung mikirin apa yang akan gua lakukan selama 3 bulan nganggur.

mungkin kalo gua iseng bisa aja gua bikin videoclip kontroversi, bisa terkenal 5 bulanan lumayan kan, abis itu lenyap lagi dan berusaha tampil lewat usaha audisi nyanyi, siapa tau gua banting setir jadi komedian ato penyanyi kan. who knows.

gua mulai mikirin susahnya cari kerja, sekarang aja susah apalagi setelah gua lulus kuliah.

biasa gua minta tolong nyokap kalo mau cariin sekolah lanjutan, masa mau kerja juga harus nyokap gua yang cariin, gakgak, gua gabisa jadi manja terus.

diatas kalimat gua dewasa banget, akhirnya gua berhasil cobacoba nulis kalimat dewasa buat motivasi pembaca, siapa tau gua bisa jadi tangan kanan ato presenter acara motivasi kaya *ario te*uh.(if you know what i mean)

makin lama gua makin ngaco, makin bingung akan jadi apa, yang paling bikin gua bingung lagi kenapa setelah puberty gua ga berubah jadi beauty. 

 

I hope they know

   In a short amount of time, i''m going to graduate from high school.
I'm happy of course, that's obvious to feel happy after you finished something that's such a pain in the ass like school.
you won't be forced to wake up so early, study like hell for exams, and go home in exhausted state.
but
have you ever think,something that you've been doing all the time,and suddenly you'll not going to do it anymore, will only make you miss it.
after some time, you're gonna miss to wake up so early to go school, to see your friend, to learn together, sit and each your lunch together, grin over your crush in the hallway while your friends will be teasing you because of it, fall asleep in the class because your teacher and the subject is too boring.

you're gonna miss it.

for me, yeah, I'm happy cause i'm going to graduate soon, and yet, can't i be sad too ? it turns out to be farewell anyway.
the next step will be a whole different world.
in university, the teacher won't remind you to do your homework, your friend will not bother to ask you to the the task together, you'll be sit and eat your lunch alone while your friend having their class, they won't hang out to you so often like your high school friend would do. it'll be sad even more,
the fact that you won't see yout crush walking in the hallway chatting with his friend anymore.

you know, i can't hold my tears while writing this post.

I hope my friends know, i want to be together with them as much as i can, creating memories as much as we can, i want them to keep contact with me, i want them to keep hang out with me.
i don't want to forget my crush too, i want him to know, i'm not joking about my feelings for him, i want him to know how long i've been kept this feeling for him, and i want him to know, that we can still be friends.

this post is so sad i'm gonna die.

happiness is just a bullshit afterall,
why ?
because the facts that not everyone in this world can completly feel happy....
I don't know what i feel anymore.
I've been wearing countless mask on my face. but people probably don't care, do they ?
they offer me only piece of cheap thing, covered in gold. and i got really happy.
well, you know, something that only looks good on the outside.
when i got home, and opened that thing, see ? it's only a cheap thing and the gold is fake. then again, my tears would fall.
it's not beacause i'm angry. it's because i'm sad.
i'm sad not because it's a cheap thing that i recieved. but thats because  i regret, regret why i would i get happy over fake thing and then after that i would be very sad. moreover the sad that i feel is painful.

Big Bang

Belakangan, gua jadi suka sama video clipnya "BIG BANG", i'm not really a big fan of them actually, tapi ternyata mereka keren juga.

kece. 

beneran deh, i'm not really into korean things. drama2 yang gua nonton dan big bang ini can be said just a coincidence.

gua ga gitu suka lagu-lagu mereka, but they're not bad. lagunya asik-asik dan maybe what makes them attractive is because their style, and yet, they're good looking. (keep in mind, i'm not a VIP's)

awalnya gua tau big bang dari temen gua, Christopher Adisurya, and i used to think that korean is alay, lol. sorry.

tapi sekarang gua paham, mereka ga alay, tapi mereka limited. 

style mereka, dan lagu2 mereka itu ga mainstream. it's just, yeah i liked their style. abis itu gua kemudian baru sadar lama kelamaan, temen2 gua yang lain juga suka sama mereka, such as sherly,erika.

gua jadi penasaran, akhirnya gua sempet dengerin salah satu lagu mereka di youtube. dan ternyata....

KERENNNNNN

coba aja dicari, "bigbang-fantastic baby"

jadi sebenernya big bang itu isinya siapa aja ? check this out.

member's leader. GD / GDragon.
in charge of composing, writing, and making music.
rapper. fashion icon.

Tae Yang.
 the most charismatic among the members.
his dance is the best and energetic.
he's quite sexy

T.O.P
the oldest member.
the most handsome. in charge of rapping.
very mature. Top in everything

Seung Ri
the youngest among the member. he is cute
often being bullied by T.O.P

Dae Sung
has angelic smile.
 he is the kindest and the most earnest
outgoing, cheerful and humorous.

beberapa lagunya yang menurut gua lumayan :

- Fantastic baby

- Haru-Haru

- love song

- lies

- bad boy

- lalala (udah agak lama)

- ringa linga (by tae yang solo)

- doom da da ( by top solo)

- crooked (by GD solo)

- coup d' etat ( by GD solo )

The Heirs

    Hari ini, gua lagi kepengen nge post tentang drama, berhubung gua liburan ga kemana-kemana dan ga ngapa-ngapain. dramanya uda selesai gua nonton, tapi tadi keinget tiba-tiba jadi pengen bahas.

 ternyata banyak juga manusia yang akhirnya nonton drama ini, well sebagai orang yang selesai nonton pertama kali dimana teman-teman gua semuanya belom nonton, gua merasa senang~ HAHAHAH 

jadi kalo mereka macem-macem sama gua, tinggal gua spoiler aja gitu maksudnya.

   The heirs itu film barunya Lee Min Ho, di film ini dia tetep aja maen jadi anaknya seorang chairman, ga beda jauh ceritanya sama boys before flower. di The heirs ini si lee min ho jadi Kim Tan, anak SMA, dan sebelomnya sempet beberapa tahun tinggal di Amerika karena "dibuang" sama kokonya yang takut posisi president di perusahaannya di ambil sama Kim Tan, walaupun sebenernya si Kim Tan ga pernah sekalipun kepikiran apa2. 

 Cha Eun-Sang, yang di mainin sama Park Shin Hye, mamanya seorang ibu rumah tangga, kerja jadi pembantu di sebuah rumah dan bisu. Cha eun sang punya temen sejak kecil kira2 dari sd lah, namanya Yoon Chan-Young (Kang min hyuk disini imutt!!!). ga ada yang spesial dari dia, cuma cantik aja sedikit, sekolahnya lumayan pinter jadi dia sekolah pake bantuan beasiswa. suatu hari, ada surat dari cicinya yang di amerika, bahwa katanya cicinya mau segera menikah. jadi dengan uang yang udah dikumpulin mamanya dari dulu-dulu, cha eun sang pergi ke amerika buat nganterin duit, barang dll yang mamanya beliin buat cicinya sebagai persiapan nikah.

abis itu ?

   something unexpected happenned. Kim Tan dan Cha Eun Sang ketemu di amerika, and booom~

cerita dimulai.

ceritanya menarik, jadi ga bosenin, banyak banget up side down nya. 

   ga cuma ceritanya menarik sih, pemainnya juga menarik banget!

disini lee min ho maen sama kim woo-bin. bisa dibilang mereka ngerebutin eun sang. di sisi lain, kim tan udah tunangan sama yoo rachael, teman bisnis papanya. dan ternyata mamanya yoo rachael menikah lagi sama papanya young-do. jadi rachael sama young-do bisa dibilang siblings.

drama korea emang paling complicated. dan ini beberapa gambar yang mau gua masukin sebagai gambaran aja

Eun Sang and her childhood friend, Yoon Chan-young

He is a future heir to the Jeguk (Empire) Group

Daughter of Kim Tan's family's housekeeper

The heir to the Zeus Hotel Group

Kim Tan's fiancée. A haughty and chic heiress of RS International (a clothing company) 

Son of the Jeguk Group's secretary

She is the daughter of the CEO of 'Mega Entertainment

Son of the CEO of the largest law firm, 'Victory'

Son of an attorney general

this is 'JEGUK HIGH SCHOOL' 

 

Doesn't Matter

let that person say whatever she wants.
it doesn't matter to me
i can always avoid anything i don't want to hear anyway.
well, that old hag.
i can always run if i want to,whenever i want to.
those insulting word from her is the same as insects whinning.
that old hag is an insencts. trash.