Jersey

well Hello :D.
what have been made me so excited for the hole day,starting from monday this week is becuse i just got 2 new jerseys.
this time we got LYNX style and i got number #10

here we goooo...

 and this is my number...
i love the white one more :D

A Small Candle light

today, i was asked by a teacher " what's the symbol of your life? ".
i keep to think, "actually,who am i..."
i had very bad memories,veryverybad and i just couldn't be deal with. i'm to afraid to tell them, to tell everyone that i was once hated by every child in my class.back to when i was in 1st grade of school,it was my first time to be in school,and just like an innocent child would do, i was tried to made friends.
since i was a child,i love to made friends,no matter what they are,no matter what their status, religion, and what clan and even my family said that i have to always put first priority to my own parts but i really want to make friends,
some friends that my mom can accept it are only claire,vina,sanny,owen,ferry,and gio.the friends that being with me since i was only a toodler.and else,she'll never let me being to close
then, now.I have so many friends,and i can say that thy're close enough to me,glad to have them with me even my mom often to keep warn me and sometimes not even let me to hang out with them without one of my lifetime friends be with me to but i do really happy..
altough i've know that not everyone can stand by my friendly act.Some may be upset and feels disturbed.
i've had tried my best to warm,to keep smile,to keep being friendly and no matter what i won't hate people and the fact that i even couldn't but i know,
NOT EVERYONES GOING TO USE A CANDLE LIGHT FOR THEIR LIGHTING IN THE DARK.
i dream of to be a candle,to use my strenght to be the light for who's in the dark,but also i have to admit that not everyone going to be accept and like you easily,Xaveria Agnes Faustine Sanjaya :")

It's quite a lot i've been gone through judgement.Some judge me before they know about me,judge me because my act just because i am noisy,geek,nerd,and so do i...
but the most hurting part, they judge me before they know who am i.and without asking me they spread they hates feeling and here i am, can't even hate them who did dig up my heart and it's hurt.
i want to hate,but how....i've always end up being hurt and hated by the doer and yet,i can't hate cause i know,there's no point of hating them even if i can.
so....
hate me as much as you want,judge me as much as you want before i can avenge what you did to me before :")

Lesson

you know,letting go isn't that easy for someone to feel it,to do it,especially to experience it.
but sometimes,there's a thing that all people can't maintain to be theirs forever,that's why each learn to let go of.
to be honest.i can't stand it.really.
what's the point of letting go?and if i should but couldn't...
come to think if i had a strenght what kind of strenght i would use,say,it would be strength to turning back time.so that i could fix any mistake i've made.but against it all,human would be perfect without any mistake ,regrets and they gotta will never learns something from life.
i've learned,i've experienced it all,even just once it'd so hard and even i can't holding back my tears,how silly.
my friends said i'm so unusual and they said i've changed from someone that have a lot of joy and careless to be someone that try hardest to built up strenght.
i don't want to,i really don't want to be a weak girl,a weak person that everyone would know i've sacraficed.
what's the point of having everyone have eyes one me,looking at me with that sad and mourn feeling.
i've come to think ,it's gonna be a very good lesson that everyone makes mistake,incluiding me.
being strong isn't that instant,being hurt once isn't enough.
In order to become strong and to find what truly belongs to you, there will be a process you must overcome.
after you're strong enough,there,would be harder than before on order to make you stronger.
and i....will be become a strong person,because of lesson that i've experienced.
painful,hardness,even smiling is so hard for you.
even you had to wear a big mask on your face,heavy also.

When You're Gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I’d do, I’d give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

Back to December

i’m so glad you made time to see me
How’s life, tell me how’s your family?
I haven’t seen them in a while

You’ve been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

Because the last time you saw me 
I still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you 
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine 
I’d go back to December turn around and make it all right
I’d go back to December all the time

These days I haven’t been sleeping 
Staying up playing back myself leaving 
When your birthday passed and I didn’t call

Then I think about summer all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And when the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you 
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine 
I’d go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I’d go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And now you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming 
If you loved again I swear I’d love you right 

I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you 
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine 
I’d go back to December turn around and make it all right
I’d go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I’d go back to December all the time

All the time