Not for me

  no matter how much i think about it, things will never change the way i want it to.
it doesn't change the fact. He is there, He is so close to me, But he is not for me.

i really am a bit shock. out of any other people, why is it has to be that person.
i just want to be safe. is it really a mistake to want to be safe ?
what i have in my mind is only the thought about life is so unfair
i hate to think that way, but somewhat that statement is true.

if only we were not a friend. if only i was never know that person from the very start.

i should't be thinking like this,.but i really can't help it.
 even i really hate that thought. i do hate it.

story of a soul

  There is a girl, she is not very attractive, but she really tickles my attention. It have been 2 years since my eyes caught in her. but we never really speak to each other before

fortunately, in this last year of junior high school, she is in the same class with me.

even though my seat is not located beside her, it's no big deal for me. just looking at her everyday is enough for me to make my day.

  Day passed in a blink of eye, same goes for month. I'm too busy on putting my eyes at her to the extent i'm forget about graduating. then i decided to confess to her. if i'm going to be rejected, at least she know about how much she means to me, i want her to know, i like her, no...to put it bluntly, I love her. so, i give her a letter, i'm not giving to her directly though, i make it hidden inside her notebook. i have faith, i believe, my feeling will reach her, so i'm possitive she would come.

  I arrive too quickly, ahead of her. it is better anyway, i can spend time on thingking and practicing about how to greet her.

  09.30 am. she sure is late. still, i'm still waiting for her. well maybe i can find a drink to relax myself, i remember in the other in the street outside this park there is a drink machine. i'm going there.

suddenly, i hear noises, like a car horns multiple times, all the things that i see is only a very bright light that makes me blind, i can't see what's coming over me, and all the things that i remember is only i'm bleeding and it really hurts, i fall down,inside my head is all blank, many people come over me, they surrounded me and there in the center, i see her, but she is crying louldy and shouted my name again and again.

   I wake up. it's 08.00 o'clock in the morning. i don't clearly remember things, so in rush, i take a bath, preparing for shcool because i'm sure it's already this late, so mom,dad,and bro wont be at home right now. i prepare myself and then go to school.

something is a bit different, i don't know, maybe the atmosphere ? a bit cold and chill, even though it is still summer. GOSH! i remember, now it's summer and i'm sure that i have an appointment with her!then i run to school.

   they're not looking at me, even though i think i might be attract attention, the teacher, no... she's not scolding me, she's not even bother to look at me. why...

they're not my classmate, where are they ?! what's going on.

this one too, they face are totally different, i don't know them, who are they? even my schoolmates, none of them are someone whom i know. eh, no, there's one, tatsuki! in my class, but! he is my junior fella, why is he in my class? he supposed to be in 2nd year.

  still don't know what's happening, suddenly, in far, i see nobara. i see her, in high school uniform,walking with a boy which i don't know who. they're walking towards my school high school building. things are going complicated in my mind,

since when she is a high school student?! when did she graduate?! is she already know my feelings, then,then what about that boy? who is he ?! why...why am i feels like i'm being left behind?

i see many of familiar faces, they're my school fella, some of my classmates are there too! they heading towards high school building, they looked all grown up. like about in my big brother age

what's going on?!

    i'm standing in front of my potrait self picture at home, mom's changing the water, replaced the food with a new one and also put some flower in front of my potrait photo as if the photo of me is alive,yes, as if i am alive, even though in reality... i'm dead already. i was die in accident.at that day.

'knock knock' 'ting tong'

     

    someone's coming, mom opened the door, and there, i see nobara, her hair is grow longer, she is taller than i remember she was, and she is...prettier. she is with that boy.

    " Nobara, thankyou for coming ", mom is very welcoming her 

    "it's nothing auntie, it's my pleasure too, also, this year, i'm coming with him, he is Taici, he is my boyfriend, i let him know the whole story, is it okay ? " Nobara calmly explain everything to mom with smile, a very bright smile that even i haven't seen it before, a smile dedicated when she is introduce her boyfriend to my mom....

mom let them in, please them to sit, and then they begin to talk about things in the past

    " it's still hard for this family to accept all the sudden things. sorry for that nobara-san.."

    " no, really it's alright, it's only been 2 years though, i understand. my classmate and his friend also, still can't used to this condition.." and suddenly, nobara quit talking

    "....me too, still sometimes can't forgive myself..." she's crying...no, nobara, it's not your fault, don't give me that sad face, don't cry.. i do really want to swipe those tears, but you see, when i reach my hand out, i can't touch you.. nobara.. " if only i was arrive 30minutes early, if only i was brave enough to greet him, to talk to him, to tell him that i'm happy that he cares for me those whole time..i wish i could tell him thankyou.." nobara's cries in silent, all i can do is only staring at her, mom's tears also come out, she stroke nobara's silky long hair, and that boy, holds her hand tightly

   but i know, he hates it, he hates that tears comes out because nobara is thinking about another boy that even he doesn't know what he looks like, what kind of person he is, i know...because that is what i feels right now towards him holding her hand.

it's about time to them to go home...nobara's walking towards where my potrait self photo. then she smiled at me, it's not a sweet smile, rather it is a bitter smile...

    "stupid nakamura.." she whispered , 

    "if only you were braver to talk to me, if only you were smile to me more often, if only you were a      bit more patient to wait for me..Nakamura, thankyou for always took care of me, thankyou for always noticed me,thankyou for not leaved your eyesight from me, and thankyou..for gave me a chance to felt what is first love feels like...." 

and then i burst out my tears, i don't know, i don't know what to do, but it really can't stop

    "nakamura...?", suddenly she raised her hands to me,like she's going to reach something, at the same time i feels lighter than before, i'm flowing and at that second, i touch her, she can touch my hand. with a bitter smile and tears mixing up.

   " thanks auntie, take care," i said it for the last time, this is will be the last time for me to visit him, to coming to nakamura's house, this will be the last.

   " thankyou nobara-san,for this whole time, don't worry if you feels like comng over again, i will be happily welcoming you "

   " no, auntie..actually, this will be the last time, i'm sorry " in guilty, i said it to his mom, rather than being angry, she smiled and hugged me, " good.. no it's okay nobara, no problem..go..and have a new story of your life "

i put everything into an end, between me, and nakamura, which was haven't been settled and we both will never can settled things. but it's okay now, now i know everything is already end. for me, and more importanly for him. to have a new life.

   " Tachi-kun, do you want to know "

suddenly taichi grabs my hand, and squeeze it tightly,

   " let me hear your story nobara..", he smiled

   " when i was in junior high school, there's a boy, he is Nakamura, at first i saw him wandering around under the sakura tree in front of our school,at first i don't know why, but then when i purposedly avoiding him, he bumped into me, and he said 'sorry, i lost my glasses', you know what, it was love at the first sight, then i handed him his glasses, and from that very moment i know he never leave even a bit his eyesight from me. "

   " why did you know he never leave his eyesight from you ? " Taichi asked

   " because the only one that i only cared at that times was only him, i was never leave my eyesight from him, and poor him, he seemed to never know about this.."

   Nobara, be happy, this unrequited love will forever be unrequited..once again, a tears comes down from my face, but you know, this is tears of happiness

Silence is Golden

Ya, Silence is Golden. katanya

Gua mulai meragukan, apa iya silence is golden ?

Jadi ceritnya gua lg ada masalah, kecil tapi fatal

yaaa ga kecil-kecil amat. 

gak sih sebenernya bukan masalah juga, tapi pertengkaran batin dengan pikiran

gua ga ngerti maksud kalimat di atas apa.

Ceritanya mulai dari akarnya dulu aja,

kalo menurut gua sendiri, gua itu orangnya banyak ngomong, ego, dan kadang emang keras kepala. 

dan itu yang sering gua denger dari orang-orang.

termasuk orang terdekat

ketika gua dapet masalah, misal, nilai jelek, pasti gua ditanya-tanya 

kenapa nilainya jelek, belajarnya ga bener, main mulu, cuek

tapi itu kan kata DIA.

kadang gua suka cape juga, 

gua sering banget dilimpahin semua kesalahan, dan maybe, itu yang bikin gua ga betah

waktu seseorang cuma ngeliat dari segi hasil, tanpa ngeliat proses,

maka apapun kejadian di proses yang gua ceritain, pasti dianggep ALESAN

alesan itu identik sama bohong. jadi gua dianggep bohong.

kalo orang dianggep bohong, langkah selanjutnya?

pastilah pengen karifikasi kan ?

hot-blooded kaya gua biasanya ga terima diem aja,terima disalahin padahal kejadiannya ga kaya gitu,

GABISA!!!

tapi walopun gabisa gua tetep harus "obey" ke DIA.

kalopun gua ngeluarin sepatah kata, artinya gua kurang ajar ke DIA.

gua harus ngomong waktu DIA suruh gua ngomong padahal gua gatau harus jawab apa,

gua harus diem waktu menurut DIA benar padahal sebenarnya SALAH

dan DIA akan menjadi sangat marah, kalo ternyata gua BENAR.

ketika segala sesuatnya menurut DIA adalah BENAR, gua harus diam

karena disaat kaya gitu, silence is golden.

tapi selama-lamanya gua harus diam, setidaknya gua gabisa diam aja dengerin semua kesalahan yang sama sekali ga kejadian tapi terus dibahas dong ?

Silence is golden, But Speech is silver

a fine boy

i've found my self a very fine boy.
he is a carefree person, he is cheerful, full of laugh, has his own charm ways, he is unique, he is kind, and to me..
he is cool

MBA

Made By Agnes 

kira kira begitu deh judulnya. wkwkwk 

eh ngomong-ngomong, apakahh maksudnya iniii 

yak ini maksudnya adalah "dibuat oleh agnes"

apa? apa yang gua bikin ya kira2 wkwkwk agak excited nih 

jadi ceritanya, gua mulai sedikit produktif lagi setelah sekian lama ga produktif

aih,,

maksudnya gua mulai menghasilkan sesuatu lagi setilah sekian lama engga gituloh maksudnya.

jadi kali ini apa yang gua hasilkaaannnn ?!

kyaaaaaa------










jadi yang agnes hasilkan adalah,.....

JENG JENG !!!!

uwwoooooohhhhh- lebay
wkwkkw maklumlah ceritanya lagi excited sendiri sama hasilnya
walopun amatir, stepnya juga tersebar luas di dunia maya, jadi sebenernya bukan penemuan baru lagi, meng-copy ide orang
oiya btw, versi claire di blog dia juga ada gays http://doubleclaire.blogspot.com/2012/06/designed-by-me.html
yang bedanya cuma di kata2 sama di effectnya aja kalo yang ini emg gua tambah2in jadi agak lebey gemana geto.
meskipun ini hasil orang-orang beginner, tapi tetep aja kalo dicobain agak ribet, hemhem..
personal gua sendiri aja, menghabiskan waktu sekitar 4 jam ngotak ngatik beginian, --ato emang gua lemot ?--

yah pokoknya produksi hari ini cukup itu aja, yang lainnya nanti akan gua post lagi (pamer) ehe ehe

What kind of person are you ?

Don’t think about it too long, just choose, and find out
what your choice says about your personality.

1. You are a generous and moral (not to confuse with moralizing) person. You always work on self-improvement. You are very ambitious and have very high standards. People might think that communicating with you is difficult, but for you, it isn’t easy to be who you are. You work very hard but you are not in the least selfish. You work because you want to improve the world. You have a great capacity to love people until they hurt you. But even after they do… you keep loving. Very few people can appreciate everything you do as well as you deserve. 

2. You are a fun, honest person. You are very responsible and like taking care of others. You believe in putting in an honest day’s work and accept many work-related responsibilities. You have a very good personality and people come to trust you easily. You are bright, witty and fast-thinking. You always have an interesting story to tell. 

3.You are a smart and thoughtful person. You are a great thinker. Your thoughts and ideas are the most important. You like to think about your theories and views alone. You are an introvert. You get along with those who likes to think and learn. You spend a lot of time, thinking about morality. You are trying to do what is right, even if the majority of society does not agree with you. 

4. You are perceptive and philosophical person. You are a unique, one soul of your kind. Next to you there’s no one even slightly similar to you. You are intuitive and a bit quirky. You are often misunderstood, and it hurts you. You need personal space. Your creativity needs to be developed, it requires respect of others. You are a person who clearly sees the light and dark sides of life. You are very emotional. 

5. You are self-assured and in charge. You are very independent. Your guiding principle in life is ‘I’ll do it my way.’. You are very self-reliant and know how to stay strong for yourself and the people you love. You know exactly what you want and are not afraid of pursuing your dreams. The only thing you demand from people is honesty. You are strong enough to accept the truth.

6. You are kind and sensitive. People relate to you very well. You have many friends and you love helping them. You have this warm and bright aura that makes people feel good when they are around you. Every day, you think about what you can do to improve yourself. You want to be interesting, insightful and unique. More than anybody else in the world, you need to love. You are even ready to love those who don’t love you back. 

7. You are happy and unflappable. You are a very sensitive and understanding person. You are a great listener who know how to be non-judgmental. You believe that everybody has their own journey in life. You are open to new people and events. You are highly resistant to stress and rarely worry. Normally, you are very relaxed. You always manage to have a good time and never lose your way. 

8. You are charming and energetic. You are a fun person who knows hot to make people laugh. You live in a state of harmony with the universe. You are spontaneous and enthusiastic. You never say no to an adventure. Often, you end up surprising and even shocking people. But that’s just how you are… You always remain true to yourself. You have many interests and if something proves of interest to you, you will not rest until you acquire a profound knowledge of this area. 

9. You are optimistic and lucky. You believe that life is a gift and you try to achieve as much as possible and put this gift to the best use possible. You are very proud of your achievements. You are ready to stick by the people you care about through thick and thin. You have a very healthy approach to life. The glass is (at least) half full for you. You use any opportunity to forgive, learn, and grow because you believe that life is too short to do otherwise.