Lesson

you know,letting go isn't that easy for someone to feel it,to do it,especially to experience it.
but sometimes,there's a thing that all people can't maintain to be theirs forever,that's why each learn to let go of.
to be honest.i can't stand it.really.
what's the point of letting go?and if i should but couldn't...
come to think if i had a strenght what kind of strenght i would use,say,it would be strength to turning back time.so that i could fix any mistake i've made.but against it all,human would be perfect without any mistake ,regrets and they gotta will never learns something from life.
i've learned,i've experienced it all,even just once it'd so hard and even i can't holding back my tears,how silly.
my friends said i'm so unusual and they said i've changed from someone that have a lot of joy and careless to be someone that try hardest to built up strenght.
i don't want to,i really don't want to be a weak girl,a weak person that everyone would know i've sacraficed.
what's the point of having everyone have eyes one me,looking at me with that sad and mourn feeling.
i've come to think ,it's gonna be a very good lesson that everyone makes mistake,incluiding me.
being strong isn't that instant,being hurt once isn't enough.
In order to become strong and to find what truly belongs to you, there will be a process you must overcome.
after you're strong enough,there,would be harder than before on order to make you stronger.
and i....will be become a strong person,because of lesson that i've experienced.
painful,hardness,even smiling is so hard for you.
even you had to wear a big mask on your face,heavy also.

When You're Gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I’d do, I’d give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

Back to December

i’m so glad you made time to see me
How’s life, tell me how’s your family?
I haven’t seen them in a while

You’ve been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

Because the last time you saw me 
I still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you 
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine 
I’d go back to December turn around and make it all right
I’d go back to December all the time

These days I haven’t been sleeping 
Staying up playing back myself leaving 
When your birthday passed and I didn’t call

Then I think about summer all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And when the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you 
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine 
I’d go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I’d go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And now you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming 
If you loved again I swear I’d love you right 

I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you 
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine 
I’d go back to December turn around and make it all right
I’d go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I’d go back to December all the time

All the time

your love was a lie

I fall asleep by the telephone
It’s 2 O’clock and I’m waiting up alone
Tell me where have you been?
I found a note with another name
You blow a kiss, but it just don’t feel the same
Cause I can feel that you’re gone

I can’t bite my tongue forever
While you try to play it cool
You can hide behind your stories
But don’t take me for a fool

You can tell me that there’s nobody else
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you’re home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know
Your love is just a lie
It’s nothing but a lie 

You look so innocent
But the guilt in your voice gives you away
Yeah you know what I mean
How does it feel when you kiss when you know that i trust you
And do you think about me when he fucks you?
Could you be more obscene?

So dont try to say you’re sorry
Or try to make it right
Don’t waste your breath because it’s too late, it’s too late.

You can tell me that there’s nobody else
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you’re home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know, I know,
Your love is just a lie
It’s nothing but a lie
You’re nothing but a lie

You can tell me that there’s nobody else
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you’re home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know, I know
Your love is just a lie
I know you’re nothing but a lie

Your love is just a lie

designed by me 2

those are my officially design.was specially made for Clairine Irawan

Secepatnya

secepatnya saja waktu berlalu,lebih baik daripada berjalan perlahan tapi mengiris-iris hati sedikit demi sedikit.ketika waktu berlalu,maka semuanya akan hilang.
lebih baik hilang secepatnya,pergilah secepatnya.
luar biasa,membayangkan bagaimana waktu dapat mengubah seseorang secepat ini.
ketika waktu itu gua gamau waktu cepat berlalu,dan berusaha membuat kebahagiaan untuk orang lain,sekarang itu semua hanyalah sebauh tulisan dipasir yang di hapus oleh ombak.
ini ga lebih dari sekedar harapan palsu,ga lebih dari sekedar onggokan kertas lecek disamping sampah-sampah lainnya.
apa yang harusnya terjadi,maka gua mau itu cepat terjadi.cepat pergi,akan lebih baik untuk gua bernapas secara lega.
ya,satu setengah tahun lagi.cepatlah waktu berlalu.

sebodoh itukah..?

kadang gua benci diri gua sendiri yang terlalu bodoh,terlalu nurut dan terlalu berpasrah.
pernah ga sih merasa memikirkan orang lain,yang bahkan orang lain itu ga mau buang-buang waktu untuk mikirin balik.
rasanya sakit,
tau rasanya di buang?di ludahi dan di anggap bodoh?
mungkin itu yang sekarang gua rasain,gua merasa sangat bodoh untuk mempercayai sesuatu yang bahkan sama sekali ga ada titik kebenarannya,ya seharusnya gua membenci,tapi lagi-lagi gua merasa gua terlalu bodoh untuk masih menaruh rasa simpati.
seandainya gua bisa mengontrol waktu dan kehidupan,mungkin gua berharap kalo gua ga perlu masuk ke dalam suatu ruangan hampa seperti saat ini,harusnya dari dulu-dulu aja gua keluar mencari kesenangan dengan banyak orang,bukan dengan orang seperti dia.
sulit di akui,ini udah kaya narkoba,tapi gua emang terlanjur terlalu bergantung.bodohnya gua,apa sih yang hati gua mau bahkan gua gabisa paham.
ketika di saat puncak kebahagiaan lu dan tiba-tiba lu di dorong jatuh perlahan-lahan dan belum lagi terluka-luka karena terhantam bebatuan kecil.gua rasa,bahkan bayanginnya aja rasanya sakit,gimana gua yang mengalaminya.
ketika lu berkorban banyak dengan maksud untuk memberi tanpa pamrih,dan pada akhirnya lu menyesal,seharusnya dia tau seberapa besar pengorbanan lu sehingga gak sepantasnya dia membuang,mengkusutkan hati yang seharusnya ga pantas di perlakukan seperti itu
sebodoh itukah gua sampai dibodohi sejauh ini bahkan dengan orang yang sangat-sangat dipercaya dan sangat-sangat dekat.
secepat itukah waktu ingin gua berubah menjadi orang lain ?
gua benci sandiwara,tapi kalau emang itu yang harus gua lakukan supaya tidak dipandang sebagai sibodoh yang selalu berkorban dan pada akhirnya tidak dianggap,berarti gua harus menjadi lebih pintar dan alangkah lebih baiknya,gua ga perlu memiliki hati,
lebih baik tidak memiliki hati daripada memiliki tapi hanya untuk disakiti dan dilubangi.
gua terlalu bodoh untuk mempercayai,terlalu bodoh untuk perduli dan terlalu bodoh untuk menyimpan perasaan,tapi sebodoh-bodohnya gua,tolong jangan sebegitu egoisnya memperlakukan gua kaya sampah.
sekarang gua ngerti apa itu evolusi,dari manusia yang terlalu baik dan bodoh,lebih baik menjadi manusia yang melindungi diri sendiri,dan cara apapun akan gua lakukan untuk melindungi diri gua sekarang ga peduli siapa yang gau hadapi.
ketika kepercayaan itu seperti kertas,waktu hancur lecek dan robek,ga akan mengembalikan itu seperti dulu lagi,maka gua pun begitu...