there's a saying " ask, Then you'll get what you ask for"

but I don't think that kind of saying applies to me.
I ask, but I get nothing
I pray, but the prayers get no reply nor answered
and I wonder why
am I really worth living ?

everyone get at least their way opened up but why mine doesn't ?

I keep on feeling this disgusted feeling being rejected, as a failure. nothing goes right for me.
and I wonder,
am I really being loved, God ? Is this really the right thing for me ?
because i don't feel like it is. 

If You Would

please kindly follow my second instagram acc @SPACECHOREOGRAPHER

Am I In Love

I'm sinking faster and faster

Between heaven and disaster

Sorry for making you feel like I'm standing on the borderline

Am I in love with you...?

Or am I in love with the feeling?

Trying to find the truth

Sometimes the heart is deceiving

Can't get out of my head, I need you to save me

If I ever lose you, know that maybe I'm crazy

In love with you, am I in love with you?

Or am I in love with the feeling?

so you can keep me 

inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

holding me closer till our eyes meet

you wont ever be alone

and if you hurt me

that's okay baby only words bleed

inside these pages you just hold me

and i wont ever let you go

you can fit me

inside the necklace you got when you're 16

next to your heartbeat where I should be

keep it deep within your soul

WKWKWK

HAE GAES

gila ya post gua bawah bawah berat banget kaya semacem over depressed gitu. 

iya sih emg lagi sedih, but I'm not in the mood to kill myself over few silly things that succeed turn over my happiness into calamity. 

keliatannya kaya mau bundir gitu kata-katanya.

nope. im still feeling as good to continue being a potato.

kalo ada yang penasaran gimana college life 

ya bisa dibilang happy" aja, temennya baik" and not going to tell lies, seru", walopun gua merasa banyak dari mereka yang wearing mask. everyday. every hour every minute and every second. lama-lama gua jadi lebih ngerti dunia industri sedikit-sedikit, tentang pressure nya dan gua sedikit banyak udah dapet banyak gambaran.

anyway, gua tambah gendut. ya. kerjaan gua selain pergi makan, ato numpang tidur di kosan temen, bikin berat gua tambah. lebih begonya lagi, gua malah jadi suka gadoin butter kalo pas kelas kicthen ato pastry. 

oiya,  walopun gua merasa agak sedikit ga nyaman sama beberapa hal, misalnya kelompok table masak dll, tapi gua lebih bisa endure walau kadang kelepasan gua bete trus keliatan di muka gitu, ( im not an expert in hiding emotions ) tapi kebanyakan dari mereka care, dan gua bersyukur untuk itu, really. I'm Blessed.

setidaknya ada 4-5 orang yang bener-bener gua cherished so much. feels like we've known like forever,

gua juga jadi salah satu anggota organisasi ukm di kuliahan, yang berhubungan dengan bartending, dan ya...its going better than the first time I'm in. some thing changes of course, tapi mungkin thats the price.

belom lama ini gua juga ikut english debate competition, sebagai peserta dari kampus di kampus mercu buana, ngelawan kampus-kampus lingkungan kopertis 3 such as binus inter,atma,untar,UI dll.exciting sih tapi ya bener-bener bikin worry, pertama kalinya gua harus debate diliatin orang-orang gitu and its a strange feeling you got there. nervous sama lebih ga percaya diri. karena kebanyakan pesertanya juga uda lebih pengalaman. anyway ga jelek' banget lah hasilnya as a beginner we got 12th place dari 48 university. I'm glad.

hmm sebenernya banyak yang mau gua ceritain dan ga akan abis satu post kalo gua ceritain satu-satu. my precious memory and experiences that i got so far. tapi kayaknya untuk hari ini cukup ini aja. lain waktu I'm definitely going to post another story